I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
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