Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I am midnight drunk by noon
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Randomize
