I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
There's always time for handjobs
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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