I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
