the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
from now on my penis is your penis
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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