New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
