It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
