God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
