if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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