I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
high people should be assigned attendants
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Randomize
