I need to stop coming to work sober
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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