How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
