Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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