Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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