I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
