My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
