Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
