Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
