I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Randomize
