On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
