Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
She bit a glass in half.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
