My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
