What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
