Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
