I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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