I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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