I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
