I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
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