i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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