wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
