do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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