You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
