I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Just invented taco cereal.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
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