doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
