When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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