i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Randomize
