If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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