They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
