remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
