Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
