That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
