hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
