apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
