Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
