I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
