You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
