I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
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