the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Randomize
