apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Randomize
