Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
