just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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