you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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